Hello there!

I have a very special visitor today in the cafe.  My friend Trudy agreed to stop in for a cuppa and a chat.  I first met Trudy in the Etsy forums where her vibrant, jump off the page paintings grabbed me and pulled me in.  I had to know about the woman behind art!  Please join us for a cuppa and to be inspired by Trudy’s story.

Hi Trudy! Welcome to the Café! Tell me what you would like, you can have anything you want because it’s a dream café and they have everything. I’m having chai and a piece of pumpkin spice cake. Yum.

Hi Janet..Ohhh let’s see I will have a hot spiced cider with a Cinnamon stick and a warm glazed doughnut. It is my favorite fall treat!

You paint such vibrant and colorful paintings, was there any hint in your past that you would be making this kind of art now?

I have never had the inclination, desire or talent to become an artist. I came from a very small town in Ohio and we did not have any art class available to us. I drew the same stick figures in the 2nd grade until the age of 58.  I left the art to the artists and I loved creative writing. In my youth I wrote some poems and I stamped them because you know I couldn’t draw so I stamped or used clip art.  Nothing fancy though just enough to put some color on a paper with my prose.  I never held a paintbrush in my hand before. I always used markers.

I read in your shop announcement that you discovered that you are an artist three years after your twin sister died from a brain tumor. How did you discover that?

After Jude died my heart stopped beating too. Everyone used to ask us what it was like being a twin. We would always answer that we didn’t know because we had never been a singleton before. It was the first time in my life that I was without her. My coping mechanism had always been avoidance. I avoid pain. Sure I could avoid the cemetery, the hospital that she had her surgery, the nursing facility, my older sister’s home where I slept beside her as she lay dying.  But, I could not avoid myself. My hands, my voice, my giggle..the quirky way I sleep with my hand over my face…they all belonged to her. The mirror? I see her face, her expressions..I lost my entire way to cope. I could not avoid myself.

I went from counselor to counselor without relief. I sobbed around the clock and isolated myself from family and friends. I went to bed for three years. A psychiatrist put me on very strong medication. I stopped sobbing, but tears trickled down my face at all times and as I lay sleeping I screamed for her throughout the night. My life was empty. I felt Jude’s presence for the first 6 months after her death, but because she shared the same “avoidance” mechanism she could not watch me as I fell to the deep abyss of depression.

3 years after her death she came to me in my dream and screamed at me, “ENOUGH ! GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF BED AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!!!!” She was gone as quick as she came.

When I awoke I was blinded by the light. I had seen nothing but grays and dark colors  for all those years. I jumped out of bed with the energy that I had lost. I looked around and saw vibrant colors and light falling on objects, where shadows would be. I looked at my green couch and it looked like someone had outlined it in like a real thick magic marker. I was absolutely amazed. My husband thought I had finally gone over the edge.

We went on a long weekend and poked around an art shop…I studied a painting and started to cry as I whispered to my husband…”I am an artist! ” I didn’t say, “Gee, I think it would be fun to take art lessons” or I would love to know how to paint like that!”  I stated that I was an artist and I just knew that I was. He looked at me convinced that I finally went off the deep end.

We went back to the hotel and I drew him the same picture I had just studied. I drew it better than the original artist. My husband was speechless.

When I went to the art store I bought the same exaggerated vibrant paint colors that I was seeing. I also bought tools that I had no idea what they were called, but I knew immediately that I needed them and I knew how to use them.  Not only was I able to paint, but also I knew all the techniques that it takes fine artists years to develop. My Dr. immediately weaned me off my antidepressants.

My pivotal moment?  Jude being angry with me!  It is a miracle. There is no other explanation.

Is Jude in any of your paintings? All of them?

Jude and I paint together. I have little conversations in my head with her. She is in each and every one of my paintings. My VW picture was her favorite expression, “I would rather laugh in a VW than cry in a limo! She had a yellow VW (as do I) and so of course I had to paint that.  I painted Heaven just the way that she described it to me. God calls His Angels to him as they pass through the light. She kept saying draw structures they go through. I have never described a building as a structure before. I really, really had to think about it. A woman at my art show said, “Ohhhh you got those structures (her words) from the book, “Embraced by the light!”  I had never read it, but this woman said that the author used the word structure repeatedly through the book.

My “Sunflower” was painted from Jude’s flower arrangement. It was my first painting. I first painted this with a yellow and pink background then drew the flower. Well, I didn’t like the background so I painted it blue. Too much blue so I scraped off the blue and I thought. Now what? Well, I looked at the painting and thought, “It’s done.”

If you look closely you can see the original sunflower underneath. That represents my life with Jude. The second flower, which you see, represents my life without Jude. Both flowers are touching representing that we are still connected.  The 2nd leaf pointing downward represents Jude dying and the top leaf pointing upward represents my life moving forward without her physically beside me.

One night I was painting and I wanted a blue paint for a background and Jude wanted green. Well I chose the blue and when I was waiting for the paint to dry I left for a minute and came back to the painting to discover an entire can of diet coke was spilled over the wet canvas…errrrrrrrgh..I said, “OK, ok I get it! I will paint it green!”

What do you do when you have days that you are feeling down? How do you take care of yourself?

I could give you a very up lifting story right now and tell you that I exercise or eat healthy…relax, read, take a long bath etc., but I would not be telling the truth.

I give myself permission to have a pity party. Sometimes I will put on sad music and cry. It feels good to release the pain of my tremendous loss. People are born with the innate sense to find their soul mate. With twins there is no search. You are born with one. I would never attempt to trump anyone else’s pain. I am not saying that I am suffering more than anyone else. Sometimes I just can’t fake it anymore..The stiff upper lip and all. I have to give into it. Some days I just have “Jude days” and that’s ok.  Fortunately they don’t come that often, but when they do I succumb. Then I tell myself softly, “Enough!”  And then I paint!

What would you say is the most important thing friends and family can do to help someone who has lost someone close to them?

I would just tell all to listen, allow venting, don’t push for “closure”. The grieving process is different for everyone. It is not a cut and dry. The 5 stages that those who have suffered a loss Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance are not the same for everyone, nor are they completed once someone goes through them. For example I never went through denial or anger. I’m a realist. I knew that she was gone forever. I am extremely spiritual so I would never be angry with God or Jude. I never bargained. I started with depression/acceptance and I live one day at a time.

One thing that my family did wrong is to have a huge surprise 60th birthday for me. I had begged them not to do anything. I just wanted to have that day alone with my husband.

Well surprise….60 people that I had known since HS, family and friends were there. It was the first time I had had a birthday cake without Jude’s name on it. First time that I had heard “Happy Birthday” song without Jude’s name sung with mine. Yes, it was nice of them to throw me a party, but it was one of the saddest moments of my life. It was just a confirmation that I had lost my twin. I faked being happy all night. Not one person mentioned the ” Elephant in the room!” I never heard Jude’s name once.

Jude’s 21 year old son was in attendance. My mother told him to mingle and not watch TV in the living room. I gently reminded my mother that it was his mom’s birthday too and he must be sad participating in a date that was so special to him. Can you imagine seeing his mom’s twin? My heart breaks when I see him and he studies me and recognizes that although I look just like her, I am NOT her..

Yes, I know it was my birthday. But what is to celebrate without the person that you were born with? There is nothing happy about it. Jude was diagnosed on our 58th birthday and lived 4 more months. My birthdays are private times..If someone gets married and their spouse dies do you think that they would like to have a surprise party on their anniversary? That’s how I felt.

So Please listen and respect their decisions. Give them a safe place to land. Let them cry, scream, vent..let them do what ever they have to do to get through this terrible time in their life without judgement or advice.

There is no timetable for grief. At times it lasts a lifetime. That’s just the reality.

A lot of people find making art is a way to heal in difficult circumstances; can you talk more about that?

I just began my abstract series called, ” Awakening”  I am creating large pieces of art that reflect my feeling since Jude came to me in my dream. Titles like “Rebirth”  ”Sunrise”  ”Dawn”  ”Genesis”  ”Today” “Serenity”.

Janet, I can not tell what these works of art has meant to me. I will not paint my feelings during my dark days..the sadness, the tears, the longing……That would put me back to those days and I will not and can not revist those years spent alone in my drape closed dark bedroom. I won’t do it!

I use every medium I can. I use beautiful acrylics, vibrant watercolors and the most amazing oils that I can find. I lose all track of time when I begin one. I painted my first one “Sunrise” on a 36×48 canvas and took it to work to show my boss and she bought it on the spot.  Beautiful oranges, cranberry, and yellows and golds and blues. I poured my heart and soul into that painting remembering the colors and feelings I felt during my “Awakening.”  I painted thick gorgeous textures, like frosting, just layered and layered and splashed and put on with utensils that I still don’t know the names of.  It was  absolutely breath taking. My putting my life as it is today on canvas.

The feelings that I put into each abstract are so intense that I have to take a break from them and do something light, like a pastel. I have 6 easels set up in my living room right now all in various stages of completion.

Yes, for me my abstracts are extremely healing. I really feel Jude’s presence. She is very proud of me..for “Getting my butt out of bed and doing something with my life!” I paint for her…I paint for me..I paint for us.

If you were granted three wishes…what would they be?

Gee, I will first wish for world Peace, end of hunger, sickness etc. The standard Beauty Pageant answers…
What I would really wish for..

1. That the last stages of my mother’s lung cancer will be painless and will end soon and that she will finally be reunited with my dad and my twin.

2. That my adult children will understand and accept my need to move to Florida after the holidays and that I will visit liberally and that they will always be welcome in my home.

3. That the brain tumor that I was just diagnosed with would just disappear.

Well Janet thank you for our lovely chat  in your little cafe. I so enjoyed the hot cider and doughnuts and your company. If you’ll excuse me I feel a painting coming on titled ” Awakened”  inspired by our conversation today.

I have my paintings as a constant reminder that life is colorful and so are the people that you are fortunate enough to meet along the way and you dear Janet are one of those……….

Trudy, I’m so grateful that you stopped by to share a part of your beautiful self with me here.  I hope you keep on painting your lovely paintings and that you will visit the cafe again sometime.  You have been a tremendous source of inspiration to me and I think to many others as well. (Big hugs)

See more of Trudy’s paintings in her shop.